Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Story – Pigeons

Monday, January 11th, 2010

Pigeon

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Pigeons

Watch it.

Or read it right here, right now:

1.
Occasionally, driving down my city streets, I come upon pigeons. Right there in the road. Marching back and forth. In the middle of the street where there is absolutely no food, no grass, or any kind of statue to sit and shit on.
It makes no sense to me at all why they would chose to hang out in the middle of the street, dodging oncoming cars. Right there in front of my car and me. Pigeons….

2.
Some pigeons wait until the very last second to hurry on their short legs, fly up at an angle, to get out of the way of my car. I have always thought this is weird. I mean, why wait? Why not take off when you see my car coming? A car is pretty big, and it arrives from a distance. The pigeon – it’s a bird, it’s got good eyes – it has time to take in the approaching object – big, heavy, wide, rushing at them – they have time for some mental process to kick in and tell them, “There’s something big coming at me, I better get out of the way now”. Not, “I think when this big object coming right at me is just a few feet away, I’ll do something.”
Like a pigeon death wish. Or stupidly. Or a denial of reality.

3.
I made a reason up for them. For this behavior.
I figure pigeons are playing a dangerous game of chicken with cars because it proved their pigeon bravery to members of their gang, or clan, or flock, or whatever.
It’s probably some rite of initiation in order to get accepted into some pigeon secret society we humans have no knowledge of. The initiation rite is that they are required to go into the middle of a city road and face down oncoming cars while other pigeons, there to bear witness and testify to the success or failure later, pace besides the road.
The longer a pigeon waits before scooting out of the way of an oncoming car, the longer they hold their ground, only flying at the very last instant to appear flapping around a fender inches from death, the more status they gain in other pigeons’ eyes. The more they were honored in high places during meetings, cooing about how they did on the street that day. Strutting their pigeon stuff.
That’s the only explanation I can think of that sounds reasonable.

4.
So driving down an average street on an average day, when I see some pigeons in the distance in the middle of the road, as if waiting for me, daring me, I figure there’s nothing unusual. It’s the way of the pigeon.
I will, on occasion, swerve a little, not too much, seeing whether I can run over one. They want to play? I’ll play.
Some people call pigeons doves and think that makes them poetical and slightly more elevated, but I’ll confess. Whenever I see a dead pigeon squashed on the street, a result from zigging when they should have been zagging, I have yet to feel remorse.
More like, one down, millions of disease bearing pests to go.

5.
Today I saw at one end of the street a pigeon calling me out. Daring for me to run it over. It no doubt glanced over to its mates and winked, Watch me, boys.
We approached our twined destinies slowly.
I sighted the pigeon padding left, decide something else and switch directions, going right, keeping an eye on me, its wings folded calmly behind its back.
I speeded up unexpectedly.
I got close. Closer. His little feet began churning quicker as I came upon him and he disappeared from sight under my car and I kept my peripheral vision alert, curious to see a flutter of wings appear around the corner of my car as he saved his sorry ass.
Instead my front right tire did a little bounce, as though going over a mini-bump. Then, my rear right tire repeated this same movement, only less.
I looked in my rear view mirror. Two feathers twirled in a circular wind.
Squished pigeons in the road always look the same. Flat right down the middle, with one wing raised vertically in the air, as though waving goodbye forever.
There would be some sad cooing in the pigeon bar that night.
One down, millions to go.

Favorite excerpts read from “How to Find Yourself…”

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

Yes! Actual readers reading their favorite excerpts from my humor book, “How to Find Yourself (or a reasonable facsimile)”. Listen to the best bits read out loud!

This is the last in the series. Many kind brave foolhardy friends and actors and the mainly naive gave of their time and talent for a number of videos wherein they were being wonderful. What I had hoped and planned and aimed was amusing stuff. Just to see. Anyone buying anything was a big extra. But to the people who starred & made these videos worthwhile–double cheek kisses.
kiss-face-angels
I’m not big on selling. It’s why I’m where I am today. Where that is will remain undisclosed for now. But I like fooling around in a serious way. And these videos were part of this, to use a horribly fashionable word, “Process”. And I’m trying things out as I launch this publishing company. What works best, what works less. What I feel like doing, what I’m capable of doing.

Oh and that’s it for How To for now. I’ve been writing and posting a lot recently; will tomorrow, too. Things popping, but I will have some series playwriting to do between now and the beginning of 2010. Rehearsals begin in a month and I got…no, that’s for tomorrow (after this evening’s final auditions).

To the point here! Watch the video here.

Leave comments–here or YouTube–pass this around! Rate it five stars and hug me online!

Read some excerpts your own self, free of charge (!):

A case history… The False-Self-Actualization Syndrome…of a man who found himself too quickly….

It’s tough being a kid…How to Find Yourself during Adolescence…it’s all in the footnote…

This could confuse the philosophically rigid.The Moral Dilemma of Finding Yourself

Zombies say Buy It

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Just happened to meet some zombies lately, as one does. Seems they all read my book and had become fan zombies. They insisted I video them. They wanted to tell you, the mass reading public, that you need to buy this book. This has nothing to do with me. It’s a zombie thing, and as anyone who has ever dealt with them, you do what zombies tell you to do.

Otherwise they bite you, and you go weird, and your social life takes a dive. So there’s this video of zombies telling you what have to do, one after another. And if you don’t get blunt message by the end of this video, then you’ll never get it. Or you’re just a dork-zombie yourself.

And if you want to buy it — always be closing, thus spake David Mamet — just click over to Amazon, any Amazon (USA, UK, France, Germany, Canada, Japan…you listening to me in Japan?) type in my name or the name of this book…oh, “How to Find Yourself (or a reasonable facsimile)” and there it will be. Then Buy It.

Or go to Book Dispository (.com or .co.uk) do the above, & they send the book for free.

Now get your eyes & ears to the Zombies. It’s barely a minute long. Link: Zombies say Buy It

About my Reader Testimonial video for my “How To Find Yourself” Book

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

Weird Muttering Motor Scooter guy gives book the thumbs up

Here’s the link to the video:

http://bit.ly/s4wbd

Recently I put out a “Teaser” video, as they say in the industry. That video was meant to tease you into wanting to see (or can’t-wait-to-see) this video. Now you how how great creative minds work in the promotional world.

Except I found when editing that there’s just way too much good material that didn’t fit. So this video is one in a line of more videos coming your way. All right, just call me a one big unending tease.

The idea is to have some fun doing this. Amuse viewers giving of their time & attention. And if someone somewhere down the road purchases my creative little nugget, so much the better.

For the time being, it’s just fun spreading the word.

The idea behind this video is: when some videos on book launches came my way online, I’d look (I fancied up this activity by calling it research). There’s lots of mostly earnest videos out there. Videos that work hard to brand and market and “share” in the name of selling. They made my eyes go ouch. I recall one, obviously held at some swank New York launch party, where people were herded into some corner of some bar with music and launch-party merriment going on off-screen. One after another extolled the virtues of some book about being the best thing on publishing “in years”. And “this book breaks down the barriers…” And, “a defining moment in–” — can’t write anymore of this. My keyboard gags.

Right then I said, I have to make me one of those testimonials video thingies. But turn it right on its head. As it deserves. And since my book is about a bunch of so-called made-up experts delivering their self-help wisdom and weird silliness, this Testimonial Video should do just that. (Italics & bold are my ideas of blog Hollywood lights flashing through the night sky.)

Then I asked 24 people to volunteer for this. 20 stood tall. Three others showed initial eagerness but died by the wayside. Another was in a distant country.

And it was because of this, the actors and friends giving so happily and fully to my ideas and what-the-fuck-try-this directions, that I decided to write & direct another play for March 2010.

Thanks for reading this, and hey, leave your damn messages right below here. This is a blog. Yell at me. I’ll yell back. (Or Add Comment at the YouTube link.)

Here (again) is the link…in case you’re too lazy to go back to the beginning of this blog. If you like it, there’s more videos to come. If you don’t like it, well, then I’ll cry myself to sleep. And wake refreshed.

Link to video

Oh–book’s cover, i.e. brand-market-share.

How to find yourself (or a reasonable facsimile) - cover